Discovering Life and the hazed images of Time



Adaab and Hello

If you have a dream,
Have the strength to live it too.
-Sufi...9/10/18



It's hard to talk about certain things, especially about life because frankly no one has understood it completely ever. Days and night, months and years speed away and I keep aging and putting extra weight and worries, may be I do evolve in thinking and as a human too. I try to excel and be kind and generous, other times I sulk deeply and cry myself to sleep.

Trying to reason with myself and not be hard on my dreams too. But it's all a scam to me and yet so enticing that I want to live this life and have experiences.

This week was a bit lucrative than the other few, I sold two paintings and made a dozen illustrations. Got motivated by the kids in a nearby slum area whom I teach Art,  when they came to see my works. A part of my mandala series I got exhibited in a cafe in Kolkata. In august and September I performed in college and various literary events my poems and art performances.


I had promised myself ill make the most of this year, push myself more, be productive and experiment with my projects. With the tied of loneliness and anxiety, the fixation with perfection and piles of dreams, I am left in a daze, I feel like a zombie, tired of waiting and wanting.

It could have been so easy I feel, if I had a God father or God mother, who would just say, take whatever you want and just be content. I am content, part of me is living my dream- a respected poet- inspiring artist-loved teacher- dedicated social philanthropists and awesome performer and part of me worries day in and day out about security and the future.

Money plays a big part in life and I am doing what I am best at. I choose to always do what i desired and like thousands, make my livelihood out of it. I ask myself what I make is enough or not. It is enough and more now, I am independent and I can take care of the needs of my family, anytime watch a good movie, good food and good books and also have enough to buy my art supplies and all clothes etc. Be supportive to the kids, my parents and my frinds but part of this anxiety has been cause of my health issues past two years.

But I need enough to have my own studio and I know I will, so I have been trying to be more organized with my work. Plan stuff and work through it. The result has been good. I was able to do my solo show called Rooh-e-sukun The Soul of Peace and tour with it. I am working on my book of poems, made appearances and judged poetry and art events.


It's just that I think I need to be more active, work more and network and keep creating.
One good thing this year was I was able to find a strong calling and attachment to art and poetry. Previously it used to be on and off thing often. Now I work like everyday on new styles and techniques.

Also I am really missing interacting face to face with creative people and work. Such a puzzle the mind can be. So much happens around me and I want to grasp everything, be cleaver and hold it but I fail I guess.

Yet I get up again and continue may be that is my strength,  something all dreamers need. I can see it all clearly and I am working towards it.

Something a friend suggested today that bothered me, is that I never share my personal life, problems or etc that stresses me with anyone, I am all bottled up and I need to release everything by getting married. I don't know how my health issue and everything else in life is connected to marriage. No matter where you go or what you achieve, this is what you were born for.

So I gave a long lecture on love and availability of good men to who ever worries over my marriage and continue with life.
I try to be active here but it feels like I am talking to wall here, and may be that's why I can write it all out of me, best way rather share my depressing stories, I'll share my realizations with the hope, you all could fin your own strengths
You can follow my work on Instagram as Sufiamystic
All painting and poems featured in the blog belongs to Sufia Khatoon
Love
Sufi





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